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F***

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DarklyNoon

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So, it's all gone a bit wrong again. It's been on it's way the last few weeks, each weekend a little worse than the last. I sat this evening telephone in front of me, wondering who I could call, but all the time, in my ears there's than sound..... that terrifying sound... how can I call anyone with that noise going on - but I can't stop it ..... I stand up again, pace the room.... tight little circles, head in fists, eyes too hot, breaths too short - each one forced out brings with it another short grunt or cry... then that sudden sharp deep insuck that stops me in my tracks.... motionless, silent, 'f***' I try to form the word but no breath comes, the only sound is the 'k' then silence again, but something is growing under the silence, uncontrollably it starts again that awful noise that doesn't sound like me.... and I can't stop it getting louder .... it's f***ing scary... I put my hands over my mouth but still can't stop it... I start to panic, the tears are burning, I'm thumping my chest... and I'm so scared of that f***ing scream... I'm scared that I might just f***ing' die - and then it stops and I look at the phone again......... and I think I'm on a loop..... and I think 'f***' .........................

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I believe you spoke to a guy once, here, DN. He had a 'Ghostly in the Smoke' piccie in his profile - which you joked about being a 'Black & White Minstrel.' The shmuck was pining over a 'Never Be Mine' friendship, and you consoled him.

He moved on, and so have you, since then. Well, to some extent, anyways, I guess.

But ain't it funny how life doesn't really change that much - no matter how hard we try to change IT.

I have wrestled with 'Closure' - and the door just won't stay shut. Closure seems too negative and final. I have started to work with 'Acceptance' - and that seems better for me. It's more positive and on-going.

There is nothing beyond Closure, and I hate that - but there is a path which stretches out beyond 'Acceptance.' I am treading that. Going forward - AT LAST.

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