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Bloody Hell was I really THAT miserable this time last year? Came in here the other night when I was feeling down about Chris, it kinda put things in perspective for me...this is a walk in the f***ing park! I'm still pretty sad about losing my beautiful sadist, but more concerned over the bigger picture, and what caused it. At least I still have him as a friend...just as soon as my head can cope with that...and it makes it easier to imagine that somewhere down the line if it was really meant to be - it will be.

Am hoping it was just too soon, I know I'm over the ken, it's his past actions I'm having problems with... need to work out what to do about that. I've gotten over 'hang-up's' much worse than this, been trying to work out what laid those ghosts to rest. There must be a lesson in there somewhere.

I'm certainly not ready to throw in the towel just yet where relationships are concerned - although I do intend to give them a wide birth for a good few months, need to be stronger in my own mind .... I think playing the scene is the answer....or at least part of it. Build some more self confidence - avoid that 'needy' thing that rears it's head every time I think I like someone, find the ability to share without feeling any less valued.

If I can separate the 'play' from the intimacy, I'll have it sewn up.... just not sure yet if that's in my nature. If I can find a willing top this Saturday I intend to give it a go. All this week I've been thinking I need a bloody good 'beating' to get it out of my system! :P I met a lovely couple last weekend -they have extended an open invitation to me whenever I feel ready, or just friendship if I prefer, they are well respected in the scene and safe players, I am pretty sure I'm going to accept - just a matter of when. :)

So yeah, moving on again - discovering the good with the bad - it can't be separated. Acceptance is the thing, and I'm almost there.

DN x

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I know hon, it's not easy :hug: . I know our situations are different but I fully recognized just today, it wasn't that I didn't trust Chris's integrity my real fear was that he would find somebody better than I without even looking.

Well guess what? - the world is full of women younger, prettier, smarter and funnier than I, but the world is also full of guys younger, smarter, funnier and definately prettier :P than Chris... didn't mean I didn't want him. So why should I keep believing I'll never be enough for someone else?

If I'm what they want, I'm what they want - right? If not they just stopped at the wrong girl didn't they? I can't take that personally can I?

I hope somehow this helps you too - I know now this whole trust thing is much more about our perceptions of ourself and therefore transferring that (wrongly) as to how we think others perceive us. I'll be working on that, however long it takes... and I hope you find what ever you need too sweety to start again.


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I always admire your total honesty and openess about your feelings DN, and after last year you have come a long way as you were so low back then. I'm sure your trust will come with time, and you'll know when that is. :)


PG xx

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