Bloody Hell was I really THAT miserable this time last year? Came in here the other night when I was feeling down about Chris, it kinda put things in perspective for me...this is a walk in the f***ing park! I'm still pretty sad about losing my beautiful sadist, but more concerned over the bigger picture, and what caused it. At least I still have him as a friend...just as soon as my head can cope with that...and it makes it easier to imagine that somewhere down the line if it was really meant to be - it will be.
Am hoping it was just too soon, I know I'm over the ken, it's his past actions I'm having problems with... need to work out what to do about that. I've gotten over 'hang-up's' much worse than this, been trying to work out what laid those ghosts to rest. There must be a lesson in there somewhere.
I'm certainly not ready to throw in the towel just yet where relationships are concerned - although I do intend to give them a wide birth for a good few months, need to be stronger in my own mind .... I think playing the scene is the answer....or at least part of it. Build some more self confidence - avoid that 'needy' thing that rears it's head every time I think I like someone, find the ability to share without feeling any less valued.
If I can separate the 'play' from the intimacy, I'll have it sewn up.... just not sure yet if that's in my nature. If I can find a willing top this Saturday I intend to give it a go. All this week I've been thinking I need a bloody good 'beating' to get it out of my system! :P I met a lovely couple last weekend -they have extended an open invitation to me whenever I feel ready, or just friendship if I prefer, they are well respected in the scene and safe players, I am pretty sure I'm going to accept - just a matter of when. :)
So yeah, moving on again - discovering the good with the bad - it can't be separated. Acceptance is the thing, and I'm almost there.