Feeling lost today. Woke up early, stared at the ceiling for several hours, trying to think of a reason to get out of bed... thirsty? ... ignore it. Hungry? ..... too fat anyway - ignore it. Lonely? ... ppfft - like that's gonna change.
Am feeling again a bit like I've stepped back, somehow out of reach again, all the old insecurities are gathering around, pushing for attention, I do my best to ignore them, but they're winning this morning - I tried to visualise 3 doors to lock the worst culprits away. I put them in there and closed the doors behind them but knew the whole time they shouldn't stay there, it doesn't help to ignore, not in the long term. I think I'm setting myself up for something really bad ... but for some reason can't seem to stop myself.
Got a list of 'help' groups the other day whilst at the doctors, they're still in my bag. Thing about that is.... whilst they stay in my bag they are this little possibility of something better, and without possibilities - where's the sense? Am I really ready to discover this is as good as it gets? f*** that.
.... I have this ... interest - this optimistic, charming, seemingly 'nice' guy ......but the nicer he gets, the more scared I get. This isn't a love affair - I know that much, and something casual should be the least scary thing but I'm petrified ... always the fear - what does he really want? ... I don't mean all that teenage stuff - "oh he only wants one thing!!!" I can cope with the 'one thing' ... but I always have this feeling of something ultimately dark and foreboding just hiding under the surface - waiting to ....WHAT???
I feel like I'm disintegrating and have been for years ............ even staring at the ceiling I feel like I'm rushing headlong to obliteration losing little bits of me along the way. Something has attached itself to me. Gleefully amused at my predicament, it knows my end and throws the question at me constantly - "Could this be it?" then sits back and watches me react.