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Feels All Too Familiar ...

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Feeling lost today. Woke up early, stared at the ceiling for several hours, trying to think of a reason to get out of bed... thirsty? ... ignore it. Hungry? ..... too fat anyway - ignore it. Lonely? ... ppfft - like that's gonna change.

Am feeling again a bit like I've stepped back, somehow out of reach again, all the old insecurities are gathering around, pushing for attention, I do my best to ignore them, but they're winning this morning - I tried to visualise 3 doors to lock the worst culprits away. I put them in there and closed the doors behind them but knew the whole time they shouldn't stay there, it doesn't help to ignore, not in the long term. I think I'm setting myself up for something really bad ... but for some reason can't seem to stop myself.

Got a list of 'help' groups the other day whilst at the doctors, they're still in my bag. Thing about that is.... whilst they stay in my bag they are this little possibility of something better, and without possibilities - where's the sense? Am I really ready to discover this is as good as it gets? f*** that.

.... I have this ... interest - this optimistic, charming, seemingly 'nice' guy ......but the nicer he gets, the more scared I get. This isn't a love affair - I know that much, and something casual should be the least scary thing but I'm petrified ... always the fear - what does he really want? ... I don't mean all that teenage stuff - "oh he only wants one thing!!!" I can cope with the 'one thing' ... but I always have this feeling of something ultimately dark and foreboding just hiding under the surface - waiting to ....WHAT???

I feel like I'm disintegrating and have been for years ............ even staring at the ceiling I feel like I'm rushing headlong to obliteration losing little bits of me along the way. Something has attached itself to me. Gleefully amused at my predicament, it knows my end and throws the question at me constantly - "Could this be it?" then sits back and watches me react.

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You're a f***ing good writer, Helen.

I can't think of anything remotely useful to say, as usual. ^_^

But I do care.

The interest is very exciting! If a bit complicated.

Why not actually take out the list of groups, and go to one? Just to see? They're not the gospel and not everything they so goes. So if you don't find something you like... Then neh! There's other possibilities. Always are.

Those things always actually sound kind of fun to me... But I'm a bit odd, I recognize. :lol:

Good luck, darlin. Whatever happens.

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Hi :)

..i'm not sure what to say really, your words here - they are really powerful.

... I suppose you're fearing the future and the unknown, change is scary yet can be exciting too. Sometimes help/support groups can be good..though i've not been to one, as you meet people who have had similar experiences who you can off load with. I know what you mean about trusting, sometimes or shall i say occasionally even with people i feel i know well, i'll sometimes analyse things they've said and question their behaviour, i wonder what they want from me? We all have our insecurities, it's trying to not let them take control.

It must be hard to feel like you could trust someone new in your life after what's happened, but maybe you will be able to trust again...i hope.


PG x :hug:

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First.. :hug:

then....I do know that feeling, of not being able to move (physically,mentally, otherwise) and just almost feeling like I'd rather sink into the bed or crawl to a little dark hole and be left alone. And trust, yeah that is a biggie for me, as well. I have had the same friends since the 9th grade, almost 26 years now, and I'm pretty much guarded with people I have met after that (well, one friend during college times). Certain life experiences have made me aware that....how do I say?..I can't expect the rug not to be pulled out from under me.

But still there is something to be said about life and I wish I had the right way to write this so it's not just rubbish. It has to be the small moments, because if I think of the big picture, I might just paddle out surfing and not come back.

I do think it may be good to check out the groups; you may still feel disconnected or you may find that someone can put into words or actions something really meaningful to you. I did the individual therapy about 8 years ago and it really did help, as typical as it sounds...man, I'm sounding very Californian..sorry Helen, but I do hope that writing about it and maybe getting out there to one of the groups or individual can help you through this difficult life transition.

Do take care. I mean that.


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