The last three months have been hell.... I know people go through this all the time, but I could never have imagined the pain.
I met Ken late on in life really, I mean most people are pretty settled with kids and such in their twenties I think, or so it seems.
I can remember approaching 30 and being kinda nervous about it, when suddenly I got this feeling inside that something good was on it's way, it wasn't just a whim, it was like someone beyond my understanding knew how bad things were for me and needed to let me know - it was going to get better. I knew without a doubt that something was going to change, I even told my pal at work, but having been through a break down, I think folks were used to me saying odd things .... and boy did I say some odd things! she just smiled that confused smile I was used to by then.
Sure enough along came Ken. At that point I was having panic attacks quite regularly, paranoia to the point of hearing voices, waking up every night with terrible nightmares and trusting no one. At work I had a very understanding and supportive boss who allowed me a work station on my own cos I just couldn't cope with being around people. I was never brave enough to seek help, I was terrified of being locked up somewhere - my dad was on meds for years and had twice been locked away and twice had electric shock therapy - my half sister is schizophrenic and has been in and out of institutions all her life... and I had watched a good friend go through a terrible breakdown and had seen what the 'meds' can do to change a person.
Trying to stay 'sane' is quite a battle, you learn this technique of 'numbing' yourself to everything, even yourself. I felt like I was behind glass watching everything but not a part of it somehow. My head felt like someone had stuffed it full of cotton wool, everything felt muffled. I would stare into the mirror for hours trying to see if anyone was in there, occasionally glimpsing me looking back out and instantly hating what I saw.
And then came Ken.... it was a battle of wits to begin with. I was convinced he had some evil plan and was setting me up for something diabolical! eventually .. and it took a long time I believed him but then I felt even more confused. The more I wanted to to be close to him, the more anger I felt towards him. I'd spent so long building this fortress around me and here comes some guy just waltzing into my life like he's the one! I eventually told him in some crappy poem - cos talking out loud about some things is just impossible - about certain things and why I felt the way I did. It didn't seem to deter him and eventually against all the odds we got our act together.
I moved into a bedsit on my own for 2 years then when I felt really sure about things I moved in with Ken. That was 12 years ago and although I still get nervous of unfamiliar situations the panic attacks are far and few between. I'm still really suspicious of people and have just one friend who I see regularly, the whole friend thing is really stressful to me ... I just don't know what your meant to do with them! I always feel I'm getting it wrong, so it's easier just not having them. The nightmares have stopped completely - that took many months, but Ken was always there wide awake when I woke up screaming or crying, he was always there to comfort and reassure and eventually they did stop. I trusted Ken completely.
So here I am today finally accepting that it's just been too hard for Ken. I'm not the best 'girlfriend' to have and Ken is at the end of his tether. He is angry and resentful and guilty too, he thought he could cope with it all but now realizes it's just too hard. He wants a normal life and who can blame him really.
The most difficult thing in this for me is that Ken has been confiding in some chick on a forum for several months now and admits that she is the one who has made him realize how lacking his home life is. They have loads in common, she is loads of fun, she is seven years younger than I <_< .... and she tells him that she loves him. They have met up twice purely as friends, and I really DO believe that much. But he loves her and misses her and can't give her up.
It's hard enough coping with the other stuff, but I'm just too exhausted to compete with another woman. I wake up every morning and my first thought is Anya, I feel sick for most of the day. I have behaved in ways I never thought I would. I check his texts, I check his e-mails, I check his MySpace...... I cry a lot, I beg a lot, I shout a lot - I hate what I've become.
Ken promised to stop contact with her for a few weeks at least - to try to help this gibbering wreck I've turned into - and the relief I felt was enormous, I thought maybe Christmas could be at least bearable.... he lasted 3 days before texting her again.
I think that has been a revelation, a turning point somehow. I didn't even cry when he told me. I just felt, well all right then. that's it isn't it? she's more important to him now. The trust has gone.There is no turning back. there's my answer. I will never lose myself again for something that's already in the past. It's incredibly sad. but I have to think of me now, I can't go down that slippery slope again, I won't sit behind glass again. I refuse to blame myself for past events beyond the control of a 15 year old. This will only make me stronger in the end.
Wish me luck friends - I think I'm going to need your help in the coming months more than ever. xxxx