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About this blog

depressing for the most part...

Entries in this blog

 

F***

So, it's all gone a bit wrong again. It's been on it's way the last few weeks, each weekend a little worse than the last. I sat this evening telephone in front of me, wondering who I could call, but all the time, in my ears there's than sound..... that terrifying sound... how can I call anyone with that noise going on - but I can't stop it ..... I stand up again, pace the room.... tight little circles, head in fists, eyes too hot, breaths too short - each one forced out brings with it another sh

DarklyNoon

DarklyNoon

 

Yikes!

Bloody Hell was I really THAT miserable this time last year? Came in here the other night when I was feeling down about Chris, it kinda put things in perspective for me...this is a walk in the f***ing park! I'm still pretty sad about losing my beautiful sadist, but more concerned over the bigger picture, and what caused it. At least I still have him as a friend...just as soon as my head can cope with that...and it makes it easier to imagine that somewhere down the line if it was really meant to

DarklyNoon

DarklyNoon

 

Dunno Really

This weekend has been a bad one but that's no different to all the rest (apart from Oxford of course). I'm trying to figure out what it will take for me to make me happy. Is it actually going to be possible for me to be happy on my own? I mean ... sure I could fill my time with 'stuff' ... I've already tried filling my house with 'stuff' but it doesn't mean sh** with no one to share it with. So OK - I should try to fill my time with 'stuff' that seems to be every ones advice on th

DarklyNoon

DarklyNoon

 

I See Myself

Realized I've started talking to myself, and It's never complimentary. Avoiding mirrors again. Can't stand the looks Sometimes accusing Sometimes pleading mostly empty Never forgiving. "There's less to me than meets the eye" I read that somewhere and thought that's me - I'm disappearing at a rate of noughts. I'm like that tree falling in the forest when no ones there, I'm nothing at all. Unmoving and unmoved, I sit empty for days hoping somebody might call by before I vanis

DarklyNoon

DarklyNoon

 

Sam

My cat is very old, well quite old - he has that baggy look that old cats get, and seems to have shrunk in the last 2 years. He used to be quite butch.................. the strong and silent type. In fact we used to comment on his silence. he never said a word, even when we opened a tin of tuna, he never said a word, he would just skip on his front paws from one to the other, in a Homer Simpson kinda way! He has never voluntarily even once sat on our either of our laps. He has stared

DarklyNoon

DarklyNoon

 

Feels All Too Familiar ...

Feeling lost today. Woke up early, stared at the ceiling for several hours, trying to think of a reason to get out of bed... thirsty? ... ignore it. Hungry? ..... too fat anyway - ignore it. Lonely? ... ppfft - like that's gonna change. Am feeling again a bit like I've stepped back, somehow out of reach again, all the old insecurities are gathering around, pushing for attention, I do my best to ignore them, but they're winning this morning - I tried to visualise 3 doors to lock the worst cu

DarklyNoon

DarklyNoon

 

Getting Stronger..... ?

The last three months have been hell.... I know people go through this all the time, but I could never have imagined the pain. I met Ken late on in life really, I mean most people are pretty settled with kids and such in their twenties I think, or so it seems. I can remember approaching 30 and being kinda nervous about it, when suddenly I got this feeling inside that something good was on it's way, it wasn't just a whim, it was like someone beyond my understanding knew how bad things were

DarklyNoon

DarklyNoon

 

Not Really A Poem....

So... what's a Blog do anyway? thought I'D check 'em out, everyone I visit.... there's poetry flying about! Well fine! Ill have a crack at this, It's probably a piece of p***. I know some words, and I can write, erm, blah... mmmm,so... does it have to rhyme?

DarklyNoon

DarklyNoon

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