So, it's all gone a bit wrong again. It's been on it's way the last few weeks, each weekend a little worse than the last. I sat this evening telephone in front of me, wondering who I could call, but all the time, in my ears there's than sound..... that terrifying sound... how can I call anyone with that noise going on - but I can't stop it ..... I stand up again, pace the room.... tight little circles, head in fists, eyes too hot, breaths too short - each one forced out brings with it another short grunt or cry... then that sudden sharp deep insuck that stops me in my tracks.... motionless, silent, 'f***' I try to form the word but no breath comes, the only sound is the 'k' then silence again, but something is growing under the silence, uncontrollably it starts again that awful noise that doesn't sound like me.... and I can't stop it getting louder .... it's f***ing scary... I put my hands over my mouth but still can't stop it... I start to panic, the tears are burning, I'm thumping my chest... and I'm so scared of that f***ing scream... I'm scared that I might just f***ing' die - and then it stops and I look at the phone again......... and I think I'm on a loop..... and I think 'f***' .........................
Bloody Hell was I really THAT miserable this time last year? Came in here the other night when I was feeling down about Chris, it kinda put things in perspective for me...this is a walk in the f***ing park! I'm still pretty sad about losing my beautiful sadist, but more concerned over the bigger picture, and what caused it. At least I still have him as a friend...just as soon as my head can cope with that...and it makes it easier to imagine that somewhere down the line if it was really meant to be - it will be.
Am hoping it was just too soon, I know I'm over the ken, it's his past actions I'm having problems with... need to work out what to do about that. I've gotten over 'hang-up's' much worse than this, been trying to work out what laid those ghosts to rest. There must be a lesson in there somewhere.
I'm certainly not ready to throw in the towel just yet where relationships are concerned - although I do intend to give them a wide birth for a good few months, need to be stronger in my own mind .... I think playing the scene is the answer....or at least part of it. Build some more self confidence - avoid that 'needy' thing that rears it's head every time I think I like someone, find the ability to share without feeling any less valued.
If I can separate the 'play' from the intimacy, I'll have it sewn up.... just not sure yet if that's in my nature. If I can find a willing top this Saturday I intend to give it a go. All this week I've been thinking I need a bloody good 'beating' to get it out of my system! :P I met a lovely couple last weekend -they have extended an open invitation to me whenever I feel ready, or just friendship if I prefer, they are well respected in the scene and safe players, I am pretty sure I'm going to accept - just a matter of when. :)
So yeah, moving on again - discovering the good with the bad - it can't be separated. Acceptance is the thing, and I'm almost there.
This weekend has been a bad one but that's no different to all the rest (apart from Oxford of course).
I'm trying to figure out what it will take for me to make me happy. Is it actually going to be possible for me to be happy on my own? I mean ... sure I could fill my time with 'stuff' ... I've already tried filling my house with 'stuff' but it doesn't mean sh** with no one to share it with.
So OK - I should try to fill my time with 'stuff' that seems to be every ones advice on the subject .... "get out the house" " join a club" " start a hobby" .....ect..ect
This all sounds like perfectly good advice to me. But something is stopping me and until I can figure out what that something is I'm kinda f***ed <_<
Some days, getting out of the house might as well be a trip to the moon, it's just not happening. I can just about make it to the corner shop (3 minute walk if that) but today so far I've not managed even that.
I'm not sure what it is out there that scares me, I try not to think about it mostly - but today ................ well today I have to think about it, becos today I totally realized this really, really can't go on. This ain't living. And one way or another it has to stop.
I feel a whole lot lighter with this thought.
Realized I've started talking to myself,
and It's never complimentary.
Avoiding mirrors again.
Can't stand the looks
"There's less to me than meets the eye" I read that somewhere and thought that's me - I'm disappearing at a rate of noughts. I'm like that tree falling in the forest when no ones there, I'm nothing at all. Unmoving and unmoved, I sit empty for days hoping somebody might call by before I vanish.
It's harder and harder to do anything at all. I see it all tumbling in around me, I see the slow decay of everything around me and all I can do is watch it happen. It's not that I can't change some of it - it's just, I can't see that changing any of it will change me. I do something and it's done but nothing feels any different, there's no one to share it with, there's no one to do it for and I don't think I care enough about me to try to make things better.
I know it's wrong - but I just can't function on my own. It's always had to be for someone else. I don't see the point in me for me alone. I don't make me happy.... and I guess I'm not very good at making other people happy or I wouldn't be on my own now.
My cat is very old, well quite old - he has that baggy look that old cats get, and seems to have shrunk in the last 2 years.
He used to be quite butch.................. the strong and silent type. In fact we used to comment on his silence. he never said a word, even when we opened a tin of tuna, he never said a word, he would just skip on his front paws from one to the other, in a Homer Simpson kinda way!
He has never voluntarily even once sat on our either of our laps.
He has stared at our laps - but no amount of coaxing, tickling, lap-patting, dragging, whistling or tail pulling has ever convinced him that 'the lap' is the place to be.
He would never share the couch with either one of us but would sit on the other side of the room, staring intently for hours, glad to be in the same room but unreachable..................... he would stare and study and calculate - calculate the exact length of our arms within a millimetre, then he would wait till we were too stoned to move before strolling across the room and sitting at the exact distance of 'arms length' away plus 1mm, so no matter how much stretching those arms did the nail tip of the middle-finger would still inconceivably be a millimetre away from the very tip of his nose!
Now he is old he still knows the length of our arms, but will sometimes sit beside us on a couch so long as we don't pester him with anything so irritating as affection.
Now he is old, he has found his voice, my God! it was so cute when he first started, so tiny and 'girly' it really took us by surprise, him being so butch and sounding like a girl?? But now he won't shut up and it's getting louder,
He always has food down, but he shouts when he's hungry.
He has his own indoor water fountain, but he shouts when he's thirsty.
When he sees something interesting like a slightly open cupboard door - he starts shouting.
When he's bored - he shouts
When he wants to go to bed - he shouts
When he wants us to go to bed - he shouts!
He is driving us bonkers these days, as we try to keep up to his every request second guessing what might make him happy, trying to judge when a cuddle 'might' be appropriate ............... and still after all these years, he refuses resolutely to venture voluntarily onto our laps.
Something quite awful must have happened to Sam before he found us ........ something to do with someones lap.
Poor Sam, he never did sit on our laps. Although when we brought his little body home from the vets, Ken sat for a long time with him on his lap.
Still missing him.
Miss you Sam xxx
Feeling lost today. Woke up early, stared at the ceiling for several hours, trying to think of a reason to get out of bed... thirsty? ... ignore it. Hungry? ..... too fat anyway - ignore it. Lonely? ... ppfft - like that's gonna change.
Am feeling again a bit like I've stepped back, somehow out of reach again, all the old insecurities are gathering around, pushing for attention, I do my best to ignore them, but they're winning this morning - I tried to visualise 3 doors to lock the worst culprits away. I put them in there and closed the doors behind them but knew the whole time they shouldn't stay there, it doesn't help to ignore, not in the long term. I think I'm setting myself up for something really bad ... but for some reason can't seem to stop myself.
Got a list of 'help' groups the other day whilst at the doctors, they're still in my bag. Thing about that is.... whilst they stay in my bag they are this little possibility of something better, and without possibilities - where's the sense? Am I really ready to discover this is as good as it gets? f*** that.
.... I have this ... interest - this optimistic, charming, seemingly 'nice' guy ......but the nicer he gets, the more scared I get. This isn't a love affair - I know that much, and something casual should be the least scary thing but I'm petrified ... always the fear - what does he really want? ... I don't mean all that teenage stuff - "oh he only wants one thing!!!" I can cope with the 'one thing' ... but I always have this feeling of something ultimately dark and foreboding just hiding under the surface - waiting to ....WHAT???
I feel like I'm disintegrating and have been for years ............ even staring at the ceiling I feel like I'm rushing headlong to obliteration losing little bits of me along the way. Something has attached itself to me. Gleefully amused at my predicament, it knows my end and throws the question at me constantly - "Could this be it?" then sits back and watches me react.
The last three months have been hell.... I know people go through this all the time, but I could never have imagined the pain.
I met Ken late on in life really, I mean most people are pretty settled with kids and such in their twenties I think, or so it seems.
I can remember approaching 30 and being kinda nervous about it, when suddenly I got this feeling inside that something good was on it's way, it wasn't just a whim, it was like someone beyond my understanding knew how bad things were for me and needed to let me know - it was going to get better. I knew without a doubt that something was going to change, I even told my pal at work, but having been through a break down, I think folks were used to me saying odd things .... and boy did I say some odd things! she just smiled that confused smile I was used to by then.
Sure enough along came Ken. At that point I was having panic attacks quite regularly, paranoia to the point of hearing voices, waking up every night with terrible nightmares and trusting no one. At work I had a very understanding and supportive boss who allowed me a work station on my own cos I just couldn't cope with being around people. I was never brave enough to seek help, I was terrified of being locked up somewhere - my dad was on meds for years and had twice been locked away and twice had electric shock therapy - my half sister is schizophrenic and has been in and out of institutions all her life... and I had watched a good friend go through a terrible breakdown and had seen what the 'meds' can do to change a person.
Trying to stay 'sane' is quite a battle, you learn this technique of 'numbing' yourself to everything, even yourself. I felt like I was behind glass watching everything but not a part of it somehow. My head felt like someone had stuffed it full of cotton wool, everything felt muffled. I would stare into the mirror for hours trying to see if anyone was in there, occasionally glimpsing me looking back out and instantly hating what I saw.
And then came Ken.... it was a battle of wits to begin with. I was convinced he had some evil plan and was setting me up for something diabolical! eventually .. and it took a long time I believed him but then I felt even more confused. The more I wanted to to be close to him, the more anger I felt towards him. I'd spent so long building this fortress around me and here comes some guy just waltzing into my life like he's the one! I eventually told him in some crappy poem - cos talking out loud about some things is just impossible - about certain things and why I felt the way I did. It didn't seem to deter him and eventually against all the odds we got our act together.
I moved into a bedsit on my own for 2 years then when I felt really sure about things I moved in with Ken. That was 12 years ago and although I still get nervous of unfamiliar situations the panic attacks are far and few between. I'm still really suspicious of people and have just one friend who I see regularly, the whole friend thing is really stressful to me ... I just don't know what your meant to do with them! I always feel I'm getting it wrong, so it's easier just not having them. The nightmares have stopped completely - that took many months, but Ken was always there wide awake when I woke up screaming or crying, he was always there to comfort and reassure and eventually they did stop. I trusted Ken completely.
So here I am today finally accepting that it's just been too hard for Ken. I'm not the best 'girlfriend' to have and Ken is at the end of his tether. He is angry and resentful and guilty too, he thought he could cope with it all but now realizes it's just too hard. He wants a normal life and who can blame him really.
The most difficult thing in this for me is that Ken has been confiding in some chick on a forum for several months now and admits that she is the one who has made him realize how lacking his home life is. They have loads in common, she is loads of fun, she is seven years younger than I <_< .... and she tells him that she loves him. They have met up twice purely as friends, and I really DO believe that much. But he loves her and misses her and can't give her up.
It's hard enough coping with the other stuff, but I'm just too exhausted to compete with another woman. I wake up every morning and my first thought is Anya, I feel sick for most of the day. I have behaved in ways I never thought I would. I check his texts, I check his e-mails, I check his MySpace...... I cry a lot, I beg a lot, I shout a lot - I hate what I've become.
Ken promised to stop contact with her for a few weeks at least - to try to help this gibbering wreck I've turned into - and the relief I felt was enormous, I thought maybe Christmas could be at least bearable.... he lasted 3 days before texting her again.
I think that has been a revelation, a turning point somehow. I didn't even cry when he told me. I just felt, well all right then. that's it isn't it? she's more important to him now. The trust has gone.There is no turning back. there's my answer. I will never lose myself again for something that's already in the past. It's incredibly sad. but I have to think of me now, I can't go down that slippery slope again, I won't sit behind glass again. I refuse to blame myself for past events beyond the control of a 15 year old. This will only make me stronger in the end.
Wish me luck friends - I think I'm going to need your help in the coming months more than ever. xxxx
So... what's a Blog do anyway?
thought I'D check 'em out,
everyone I visit....
there's poetry flying about!
Ill have a crack at this,
It's probably a piece of p***.
I know some words,
and I can write,
does it have to rhyme?